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Post By Nitz the Bloody Sun Jun 20, 2004 at 08:44:03 pm EDT |
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Nitz the Bloody #1; The Beginning of a Brand-New Parodyverse Saga! | |
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Hello, people. I'm a long-time lurker who finally decided to get off his arse and start posting. Enclosed is my first attempt at a PV story, which is (albeit loosely) in continuity. Feedback is appreciated.
Nitz the Bloody Chapter 1: My Humble Bloodening
By Neil Kapit
Have you ever wondered what Zeku could do for you?
I used to wonder that all the time. Well, not really. But I wondered what anyone could do for me. I was a very depressed young man until I met Zeku.
Picture this: a teenage boy, age 19, going to community college. Very few friends, no girlfriend, no real purpose to get out of bed in the mornings. Waiting to get into a good university where everything will become all right, but skeptical that anything will get better. Still traumatized from experiences in high school. Thinking of suicide all the time, but never having the guts to go through with it.
Still, nothing was truly hopeless, so I did actually manage to get out of bed in the mornings. One day my friends Zach and Tricia invited me over to Zach’s basement to hang out. Since I almost never get any opportunities to socialize with people my own age, I almost jumped at the chance. Well, I would have had my senses not been dulled by depression and apathy. So I got out of my parents’ place and was walking over to Zach’s house, and entered theirs. After an exchange of pleasantries, we went down to the musty, darkened basement.
Something struck me as odd about this basement. There was dim track lighting, but it was all purple, like the kind you get from those black light bulbs at novelty stores. The few windows leading out to the outside of the suburban home were covered, only with dark green silk rugs. The floor had etchings on it in white chalk, forming an elaborate circle with several wispy lines surrounding it.
“ Are you guys doing drugs? “ I asked bluntly.
“ No, man, it’s Zeku “, Zach said. “ Zeku solves everything. “ Let’s back up a bit and describe Tricia and Zach; they were my only friends in high school, and they stuck around for me in college. Zach was one of the goth kids, wearing all black and listening to The Cure, writing poems about how much life sucks. Still, he was my best friend in the world. Tricia was part of the same clique, and dressed in all black as well, but she always had more wisdom to her, and a great sense of humor that didn’t take anything that seriously. Somehow, these two found each other and started dating. Which, of course, left less space for me.
Zeku was, at this point, the latest fad for the alternative crowd. It was like magic from tribal cultures, except exclusively designed and packaged for middle-class America. They sold Zeku supplies everywhere from the local magic stores to Hot Topic to K-Mart, so it baffled me as to why it was supposed to be an individual experience. Still, allegedly it offered something new for everyone, and scientists couldn’t explain everything about the rituals.
“ So, Nitz, are you ready for some fun? All the cool kids do it, “ Tricia said. I stammered for a little bit, and thought of saying no, but since I had no spine, I nodded. I had participated in a few Zeku rituals and found them to be a complete waste of time. In the Ritual of Confidence, I left feeling as crappy as I usually do. In the Ritual of Desire, I remained as unattractive as usual. But I agreed as I always do, rather than risk alienating my only friends.
“ Okay, sit indian-style in the center, “ Zach said. He was sitting right by Tricia in very close proximity, his arm around her side. My brow knot reflexively as I complied with his request.
“ Now, apply this paint to your face. “ He handed me a packet called “ Zeku Spirit Decor “, which squeezed out of a little foil baggy. It felt wet and sticky, like liquid candy.
He started to light some scented candles, which smelled like burning strawberries. “ Oh mighty Zeku, come. Come to this poor boy “, Zach chanted. Tricia was spinning a red scarf over my head.
“ Deliver him from what ever ails him. Send him on his path to his true destiny. “
” Couldn’t I just lay off the carbs? “ I asked sarcastically.
“ Shut up, “ Zach said in a soft but whiny tone. “ Just let me finish this. “
“ Zeku, deliver this boy! DELIVEREKU! DELIVEREKU! DELIVEREKU! “
With the final “ Delivereku “ I started to feel funny. I was feeling weaker, less vital than usual ( if that is possible ). I felt like the very life-force was being torn from me. I looked at Zach and Tricia.....their faces were masks of horror, as they looked at me in shock. I looked back at myself, and noticed that I was all red.
With my own blood. Every pore was oozing out the red stuff. It was moving fast, spilling on the floor like so much ketchup from a sloppy burger. I started laughing very softly and nervously. Then, as I looked at my pure red hands, I started screaming.
I kept screaming until I fell unconscious, ruining a perfectly good concrete floor.
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When I woke up I was in a black void, surrounded by darkness. My body was lit up with an eerie white glow, but the rest of the area was pitch black. I felt unusually well, at least as well as a 5’ 8”, 110 pound and somewhat flabby boy could feel.
“ Am I in heaven? “, I shouted. “ Hell? Purgatory? “
” The rest stop before reincarnation? “
” Hello? “
With that, a figure emerged from the darkness. It was glowing the same color as I was. I discerned the shape of a rhinoceros. It was a Sumatran rhinoceros, a hairy, two-horned beast about the size of a donkey. Even through this void it smelled like an outhouse.
“ Nitz Griffin “, it said in a deep, booming voice that echoed through the darkness. “ You have been selected as the new Priest of Zeku. “
” What? Zeku? Me? How? “
” You have the potential to become the most powerful being on Earth. You will be the one to defeat the great Siphoner. “
” Me? But I can’t even do a chin-up. What am I going to do? “
” You will do what you will. “ it said, its lips moving as though it were chewing cud.
“ What you will. “
” Lay off the cryptic crap. What will I do? “
” What you will.... “
” That doesn’t answer me. Hello? Hello? “
” Hello? “
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When I awoke, I was in on a bed in a white-tiled room. I looked around and discerned two black shapes, Zach’s spindly form and Tricia thick, somewhat heavyset body next to me. Zach was holding flowers, while Tricia held several magazines.
“ What happened to me? “ I asked.
“ You ruined Zach’s floor “, Tricia said. “ After the spell you started bleeding profusely. Now you’re all better. The doctors couldn’t explain it. “
” Here, “ She said, “ I got you a present. “ I opened a blue and white box to find a copy of the latest NATS comic collection. I would have read it with great joy, but I was too mystified by my predicament to care.
“ So tell us, “ she said, “ Who the hell were you saying hello to? “
” Uhhh.....Zeku? “, I replied in a confused tone. “ He looks like a rhino. “
I felt something very hard and sharp under my back. I put my arm underneath me and removed a long, stick-like object. Holding it in front of me, I saw a long metal mace with a brown handle. It had a blunt end shaped like a rosebud, surrounded by several small decretory leaves and thorns.
Zach pointed and said, “ Oh my god, that’s Zeku Cudgel of the Roses! His weapon against the forces of darkness! Where the hell did you get that! “
” I.....don’t....know. “
And that, dear audience, is the start of a long, silly quest that would make the world a more confusing place.
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